


longing and i'm leaving (i wish i was there with you)

by strwbrrymuke



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (anne is briefly there okay), (moral support), Death, Eating Disorders, Funeral, Harry Styles Has An Eating Disorder, Harry is a mess, I wrote this for my friend, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kinda no happy ending, Louis Dies, Louis Has An Eating Disorder, M/M, anyway, i should've been doing homework but i wrote this instead, i'm sorry y'all, just a heads up, louis and harry and friends, okay but like the death isnt okay, the friendship is, there's no romance, there's probably a ton more tags but anyway, this is not based on my life THANK GOD, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 18:45:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13464306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strwbrrymuke/pseuds/strwbrrymuke
Summary: Harry and Louis are inseparable until death tears them apart and leaves Harry in pieces that no one can put back together.





	longing and i'm leaving (i wish i was there with you)

**Author's Note:**

> i have a pretty messed up brain and i had a mental breakdown recently and came up with this fucked up scenario where by best friend dies so um... louis is my best friend and i'm harry and this is basically what would happen if my friend died.
> 
> enjoy! (and grab some tissues, you may need them)
> 
> also i wrote this in less than 24 hours, can you believe wow i was a mess.

Harry knew they were fucked, but never really believed that they were fucked.

Harry was an anxious little thing and probably cared for his best friend just a little too much and was too attached.

Harry sat on his bed going through his Tumblr dashboard, mind you this was his ‘thinspo’ Tumblr blog. Re-blogging photo after photo of what he wanted to look like at the end of all this. When he was able to eat happily without counting calories and not with this perception that he was fat. He refused to believe it, but he was at a healthy weight.

You see, Harry’s best friend Louis was the reason he got up in the morning, hell, the reason why he even bothered to stay in this cruel, ugly world with his torturous mind constantly telling him what he believed to be the truth but in reality, they were pretty, little lies. The lies that encouraged him to go one more hour without food or drinks other than tea or water.

Harry isn’t necessarily Louis’ mum’s favourite person. She doesn’t really think he’s a good friend for her son.

Harry’s mind is pretty stupid, he knows that one day he’s going to be happy with number he’s going to see on the scale but he isn’t going to be happy with what he sees in the mirror. The number means he’s light enough but his eyes (if they don’t distort his image) will show him that he’s too thin.

He was now reading his book. Some contemporary novel because he was a sucker for that kind of stuff (literally). Harry loved romance novels because he was quite the romantic himself (except he didn’t know how to flirt to save his life).

His phone started ringing and it was an unknown number and so he did what his parents always told him to do and ignored it because it was most likely some company wanting to do a survey with him or asking if he wanted to buy something but he was just a teenager working, receiving the minimum wage that he chose to spend on books. However, when he was called the second time by the number in a matter of minutes, he rolled his eyes and answered it.

‘Hello?’

‘Hi, is this Harry?’ A female voice had said.

‘Um… yes. May I ask who this is?’

‘I’m Jay, Louis’ mother.’

You best believe that Harry’s heart started thumping and he felt worse than that time when he hadn’t eaten all day along with having a shit day, not having his mother beside him while in a room for an information night on a school planned optional trip for the students and Louis and his mother were in the room. 

Harry thought he was going to vomit, even though there was nothing in his stomach since he hadn’t eaten since the night before.

‘Hi Jay,’ Harry said at politely as he could along with trying to keep his nerves under control and not letting them impact his voice. ‘May I ask why you’re calling?’

‘My son is currently in hospital and I would like for you to come down.’

‘Okay sure. Which hospital is he at? Also, may I ask why?’

As Jay gave Harry the information on where Louis was, he was wondering why Louis was in the hospital because Jay didn’t tell him.

‘Only happy thoughts Harry, only happy thoughts Harry’ he repeated in his head so he could stay sane.

‘Okay thank you, I’ll see you both in about 20 minutes.’ Harry said and hung up after saying goodbye to Jay.

Harry tried to stay as calm as he could.

He sent a text to his mum saying he was going out but he wasn’t ready to tell his mum where he was going because his mother wouldn’t approve.

Harry raced down to the bus stop just in time to catch the bus stop and sat there with his leg bouncing which is what happened when he was crying. He doesn’t understand why his leg was bouncing, that only happened when he was crying. He wasn’t crying (yet) and it wasn’t like anything bad had happened, right?

Harry jumped off the bus and ran to the hospital in his converse (blisters were about to appear within the next day) because he wanted to know what was going on and so he could burn more calories as well.

He walked into the hospital with a confused look on his face because he never really had any reason to go there. He looked around clueless until a lady was working over in his direction.

‘Are you Harry?’

‘Jay?’

‘Yes, Louis is this way.’

Jay nodded to the lady at the reception and continued to walk through the corridors and Harry assumed that they were going to Louis’ room.

In the back of his mind there was a voice telling him why Louis was in the hospital but Harry refused to listen to it nor pay attention to it.

They entered room 317 and Louis laid there on the bed with a tired face and a needle inserted into the vein on his wrist and Harry really wanted to know how the hell they managed to get a needle into Louis considering he had this horrible fear of needles.

Harry knew that Louis had the same kind of relationship with food that he had but it had been going on with Louis for much longer.

If Harry was going to use one word to describe what Louis looked like, it probably would’ve been ‘dead’.

‘Oh god, what have you done now you idiot?’ Harry said walking over to Louis with a silly grin.

That was the last time he smiled.

‘Did you tell him?’ Louis asked his mother weakly.

‘No, I’ll let you tell him.’ She said sternly and left the room.

‘Louis, what have you done?’ Harry said except this time with less humor in his voice.

‘Okay, so you know how we’ve got this bad relationship with food?’ Louis said while playing with his hands.

‘Louis, don’t be like me and take the long way around with this. What’s happened?’ Harry said while holding Louis’ hands to stop him from fidgeting.

‘My parents found out about my eating disorder.’

‘Oh, um… are you going to have to get treatment for it?’ Harry asked quietly, not knowing how to respond.

‘No, I’m not.’ Louis said sadly.

‘Hang on, why? Is it because your parents can’t afford it? If that’s why, I still made that promise with you, we’ll get better together. We can sit next to each other at lunch and we can eat-’

‘Harry, Harry, you don’t understand.’ Louis said when he cut Harry off.

‘What do you mean?’ Harry asked, nervous while trying to keep himself together.

‘I’m weak. The doctors have tried but I can’t get better. I can’t recover. It’s too late.’

Harry’s had mental breakdowns while sitting on his bathroom floor, in the bathroom at school after class (however they’ve always been minor breakdowns), at 2am in his bed sobbing into the pillow, you name a location, he’s probably had some sort of breakdown there.

Louis has never seen Harry really have his 2am mental breakdown but here he is witnessing it when he’s about to die.

Harry launches onto the bed and cuddles into Louis’ chest saying words that no one, not even Harry understands. It’s just a blabbering mess.

Harry can’t survive without Louis. Who is going to be the one to give him the emotional support that he needs? Who is he going to recommend his new favourite fanfiction to? Who the hell was going to be there for him in his darkest times??

Harry was angry. He knew he was a shitty person but not so shitty that he deserves for the one person he really cares for, be ripped away from him. His ‘rock’ as people would say.

Louis doesn’t really say much, after all, there isn’t really much to say. They knew what they were doing was dangerous but they continued to tell themselves that nothing bad would come of restricting, only good. They’d be thin together and the happiest people alive because for once they’d actually be happy with themselves.

Harry could hear Louis’ slow heartbeat and that had started to calm him down however as soon as he realized why his heartbeat was slow, he started bawling again.

Harry could not lose the one who meant the most to him.

He looked up to see Louis really tired and that ‘beep machine thingy that tracks the patient’s heartbeat’ slow down. 

Suddenly, Louis wasn’t responding.

‘Lou? Louis? LOUIS? LOUIS FUCKING TOMLINSON YOU CAN’T FUCKING DIE ON ME.’

There was a long beep from the machine, and then nothing.

Harry started slapping Louis (he was out of his mind) trying to get Louis to fucking wake up.

Harry couldn’t see clearly as he was doing everything in his mind to try and wake up Louis, to bring him back from the dead. How can you survive without your other half?

‘Hun, we’re going to have to get you to leave.’ One of the nurses says to Harry however he can’t hear them. There’s this ringing in his ears and all these tears in his eyes have caused him to lose his sight. It’s like none of his senses are working.

He falls on top of Louis’ dead body and curls into his side, wraps his arms around his waist and never wants to let go. He can’t leave because if he leaves, Louis is gone forever. 

Louis’ hugs, his scent of home and safety, Harry can’t leave that.

How the hell is he going to leave his platonic soulmate? Never to see him again.

All the crying that Harry has been doing had drained him of all his energy and he falls asleep on Louis, not letting him go.

‘I love you.’ He whispers and he drifts off to sleep.

-

Harry’s numb.

It’s like he can’t feel any emotion, anything at all.

He can no longer feel sadness, happiness, anger or anything in between. It was like Harry’s world was in black and white.

Hell, he can’t feel his mother holding his hand while he sits in the seat at Louis’ funeral.

You’d expect for what happened to Louis to scare the shit out of Harry and get him back to eating but he couldn’t feel anything. He could no longer feel the sting of air hitting the cuts on him arms that he created. The only thing he could feel were the stomach pains of when he wasn’t eating. He could feel and now losing weight but was an added bonus.

It was the only thing he could feel, so he kept it going.

His parents had taken him to a therapist but he didn’t utter a word to them. Wouldn’t take the anti-depressants that were prescribed to him because it wasn’t like he was ever going to be happy again because the one person who made him happy was gone.

After Louis’ death Jay had apologized to Harry for keeping them apart because she hadn’t realized how much they actually meant to one another. Jay offered for Harry to come over to their place whenever he wished if he wanted to talk about anything or have a cup of tea. He was also welcomed to take some of Louis’ things if he wished.

When Louis died, his weight was 30kgs.

Yeah it sucked that Jay wasn’t like this when Louis was alive, but at least she’s being nice Harry now (even though if she never tried to tear Louis and Harry apart, Louis and Harry would be cuddling while watching some show on Netflix).

Jay herself had apologized to Harry and as much as it was awkward to, they hugged each other for comfort because she had lost a daughter and he had lost his reason for getting up in the morning.

There was a lot that Harry didn’t tell Jay. 

He wasn’t about to tell Jay the fact that if Harry got a dollar for every time Louis complained about his family in anyway, Harry would’ve been able to pay for Louis to go treatment anyway, even if it was just a ‘waste of money’.

He definitely wasn’t going to talk about the fan fiction that him and Louis read because gay smut was not something that he was ready to discuss to anyone other than his best friend.

-

Jay had offered for Harry to write a eulogy which was something that Louis asked for his mother to tell him. So that’s what he did.

He talked about the good times, the sad times, the utterly stupid jokes they shared, the letters they wrote, how they met and how they managed to click instantly. He kept this all PG because all of Louis’ family was there. He didn’t talk about their conversations on what they had eaten that day, when they would do 48 hour fasts together and so on. 

When Harry peered into Louis’ coffin to say goodbye for the last time, he let one tear slip and drop onto Louis’ shirt that he was dressed in.

‘I can’t believe you had the fucking nerve to leave me here.’

-

Harry was terrified of death but the one thing he was even more terrified of was losing Louis.

You see, Harry wants to die, but he doesn’t want to die.

So as some people say, he committed a form of ‘slow suicide’.

-

‘See you soon Lou.’


End file.
